Every time in the new country you go through difficult thing, you just want to say, “Uwi na lang ako. Ang hirap dito e. Sa Plipinas hindi ganito kahirap.” You always think, I’ll just go home. That was not an option for me so I had to stick it out. So it became a dream and a fantasy in your head na mas madali ang buhay back home, mas kumportable ka. You can’t really start to accept kung nasaan ka kasi parati mong iniisip na uuwi ka na lang. (38:20)

 

Nakauwi ako finally tapos na-realize ko na lahat ng pinantasya ko about things being easier, o mas kumportable ako, it all changed or I changed. Hindi na ako yung the same person that left the Philippines at hindi ko na kayang ibalik yung taong yon. That’s the only time that I accepted that the Philippines was no longer my home and I really need to start building my life in the states and yun na yung buhay ko at yun na ako at hindi na yung kung ano ako dati. That’s when I stopped the fantasy and saying na uuwin na lang ako. (39:18)

 

You will say, “I want to go home” because that is your home. Andun ang pamilya mo. Ano’t ano man ang mangyari, magdildil kayo ng asin, balwarte mo yun e.” (41:23)

 

Minsan kailangan para kang robot. Just focus on work. Pasok tulog, pasok tulog. Otherwise mag-iisip ka masyado. (42:34)

 

For the first few years it’s a lot of pressure pag bago ka sa isang country. You always have to prove yourself. Kailangan kong patunayan sa tao na magaling naman ako, matalino naman ako, yung education ko is the same as their education, I can speak the language. Andaming kailangan patunayan before you get to the point na ma-recognize ka nila as someone to be valued. Nakakapagod and you always keep thinking na “Uwi na lang ako” kasi at least dun even if I don’t try, I will be recognized for my value. (42:50)

 

Mahirap yung feeling na para kang lutang sa ibang bansa. You don’t feel that you belong. Kakasabi kong gusto kong umuwi, nagkaroon ako ng chance to go home to the Philippines to try for a year, but it was different. I realized that I was different already. My ways, what I learned here, I was different. You’ll only realize that when you’ve been away because now you have a point of comparison. (43:51)

 

Iba ka na e. Even if you try to be the same person when you left, iba ka na e. There’s a lot of changes in you, yung exposure mo sa mundo, your outlook about the country, about being abroad, the toughness na na-develop and the changes in you. (45:38)

 

My mom said, “I’m afraid you’re going to become so tough just like everyone else who leaves.” Pero hindi mo naman maiiwasan yon. Kasi pag umalis ka, you get so shocked and then used to the idea na you’re on your own. Walang sasalo sa iyo. Kung magkasakit ka, ikaw bahala sa sarili mo. Kung hindi ka kumain, mangayayat ka, problema mo yan. If you eat unhealthy at magkasakit ka, wala kang tatakbuhan. Walang magsasabi sa iyo na ayusin mo naman yung diet mo o mag-vitamins ka naman. Talagang you’re on your own at kung pabaayaan mo yung sarili mo, you will really suffer. So with that and all the challenges, mental toughness, maturity, and being forced to be independent because you have no choice, and having to prioritize constantly, you have to make a decision, what’s more important? This or this? You’re used to constantly having to make decisions and choices so that all builds your own character. (46:04)

 

Before when I was in the Philippines, I wasn’t sure what my future holds. When I got here, naging solid yung plano. Sabi ko nga (sa misis ko), alam mo dati hindi ko alam kung makakaupa ba ako ng isang apartment kung kakayanin ko yun on my own or with someone. I’m proud na I’m living comfortably, na binubuhay na namin yung sarili namin. (48:40)

 

Tapos nakatira ka sa ibang bansa at dun ka naka-establish ng sarili mong buhay. You’re living comfortably, kahit papano nakaka-travel ka. You eat out more than three times a day. May maayos kang apartment, may sasakyan ka. Yung ganon, mga material things but you’re proud of yourself dahil nagawa mo. Plus bonus na bonus pa na nakahanap ka ng asawa na equally pareho niyong binubuo yung buhay niyo. (49:20)

 

You’ve built something on your own. Walang makakapagsabi na dahil sa kanila. Ikaw lang talaga. (50:23)

 

It humbles me. It’s a very humbling experience but at the same time I am so proud  because kaya ko. Lumabas yung skills ko, yung survival mode ko. Alam kong hindi na ako magugutom (51:20)

 

Nung nag-move ako dito, hindi ko talaga ine-expect na mahihirapan ako. Kasi ang proud ko, feeling ko kaya ko naman yan, nakapag-aralan ko, matalino naman ako, hindi naman ako tanga. So akala ko I’ll fit right in, kasi I speak English, Americanized naman yung culture, food or culture was familiar. So I thought that I would integrate very quickly. Tapos to discover na may language barrier rin pala pag hindi mo siya first language. Or yung accent mo hindi maintindihan. O hindi mo maintindihan ang American English. Nag-struggle talaga ako. Sabi ko wait, it’s harder than I thought. (54:57)

 

Being away from everything I know, I didn’t expect that I loved things so much in the Philippines. You don’t realize just how much until wala ka na don. Then you realize na, really, you lost everything. Ang layo-layo mo from everything you know. Hindi mo siya maiintindihan until you leave. HIndi mo maiintindihan ang loneliness, being away from friends and family. Hindi mo talaga maiintindihan hanggang tanggalin mo ang sarili mo from home. (55:56)

 

Kasi wala kang choice. Pag nasa PIlipinas ka you can choose to distance yourself from your social circle, but you will always drift back. Pag nasa ibang bansa ka, kahit ano pang i-drift mo, magdi-drift away ka lang sa ocean. You cannot get back to your social circle. (56:30)

 

Namimiss mo talaga siya, yung sarili mong wika. Dati sa subway pag may naririnig akong nagtatagalog, tatabihan ko talaga sila para lang makarinig lang ako ng Tagalog na parang part of the discussion ako. Minsan may chance ako na puede akong humirit, tapos magta-Tagalog kami, and it feels like home because it’s so familiar, the feeling of the words coming out of your mouth. Hindi mo mare-realize how natural it is to you to speak your own language. (58:36)

 

It wasn’t always easy, there were really tough times and a lot of years. But after almost 20 years here, OK naman ang buhay, I really feel blessed, I can’t complain. It’s a really big surprise. (65:10)

 

You don’t know what you have until it’s gone. Hindi mo malalaman kung ano yung meron ka hanggang mawala siya sa iyo. You just take everything for granted kasi until mawala sa iyo yun, you won’t really feel it hanggang malayo ka na. Culture, friends, family, food, mga nakasanayan mong bagay, everything in your comfort zone, you don’t realize that until you leave. (66:16)

 

Yung matutunan mong asahan lang yung sarili mo, kung patay, patay talaga. No one is going to encourage you. Sa Pilipinas kung malungkot ka o hindi ka kumakain, kahit isolated ka, someone is going to ask you kung OK ka ba, tara labas tayo. Someone is going to take care of you. Pero pag nasa ibang bansa ka, you’re on your own. Alam mo mamamatay ka talaga kung ayaw mo talagang alagaan yung sarili mo. No one is going to rescue you. And that is a difficult but very important lesson na hindi mo mararamdaman pag andun ka sa comfort zone, surrounded by your family, by your friends. (67:35)

 

Yung pagiging minority mo. You can’t explain it kung hind mo naranasan yung to ba a minority and being a person of color in a predominantly white society. The things that you have to prove or explain all the time. These are just a few discoveries when you leave the country. (68:27)

 

You have to recognize so that you can correct it. If you just keep saying that you’re not racist, I don’t behave this way, you cannot correct your behavior if you don’t recognize that there is something wrong. (74:20)

 

Pag umalis ka daw, you don’t love the Philiippines as much as those who didn’t leave. I really understand where that’s coming from kasi ganyan din ako mag-isip dati. I was one of those people who really vowed na hindi talaga ako aalis sa Pilipinas. I really believed na pag umalis ka, you’re deserting your country, dapat pagpasensiyahan mo, dapat yung talent mo ibigay mo sa Pilipinas, huwag mong ibibigay sa ibang bansa. Sabi ko talaga hinding hinding hinding hindi talaga ako aalis sa Pilipinas. Pero sabi nga nila, “Never say never.” (81:05)

 

I learned so much about myself, my two countries, and I had to reevaluate my values and ideas. Now that I’ve been living away, I never thought that I loved my country less. It’s not a contest kung sinong mas mahal ang Pilipinas. You can continue loving the Philippines even from afar. (81:55)

 

Actually I feel I love the Philippines more now than when I was there. Kasi pag andun ka, you take everything for granted. Hindi mo talaga na-appreciate everything around you. But now, talagang kinasasabikan ko lahat, everything about the Philippines, the culture, lahat. I know for a fact that you don’t have to be in the Philippines to love the Philippines. (82:30)

 

Kung hindi mo kini-criticize ang bansa mo, hindi mo mahal ang bansa mo because you always want your country to improve. Magagalit ka pagka yung country na mahal na mahal mo, mini-mismanage o ang sama ng nangyayari. Hindi mo mahal yung bansa mo kung hinahayaan mo lang na nasa masama itong sitwasyon. (84:13)

 

Kahit sino naman ang aalis at magma-migrate, kahit hindi dito sa Toronto, you just have to be prepared and strong. Sa adjustments, struggles, and hardships that may happen no matter what. Unang-una pag-alis mo sa Pilipinas at feeling mo magkakaroon ka kaagad ng magandang trabaho, don’t expect muna na kung anong meron ka na sa bansang pupuntahan mo. (86:18)